Secret Enemy

Dear Endometriosis,

You’ve ruined my life in every way possible but kept yourself secret for 10 years pretending to be many other things. You’ve embarrassed me in front of my peers by staining the chair with blood through both a tampon and pad at courses. Ruined my reputation at work by forcing me to call in sick way too many times due to period pains and nausea. Put immense stress on me by making sure I can’t attend my classes at uni thanks to fatigue and pelvic pain. Destroyed many friendships and my social life by making me feel horribly unwell and forcing me to stay home. Dangled the possibility of an addiction to opiates by making them the only thing that helps with pain. From the bottom of my heart, f*ck you.

Anonymous, Australia

Menstrual Randomness Button!

Dear Implant,

I thought that more than a year in we would at least understand each other better. We started off great (regular periods, no spotting), and then you decided I should bleed for as long as you please and every three months you press the randomness button and I don't know what to expect. Regular 5 day periods? No periods? Three week periods? Who knows! I'm tired of expecting things to normalize. I had an appointment to discuss our future together but quarantine started that week. And now that we are at the worst of the pandemic, going to a doctors office seems so far outside the realm of possibility.

Still, i hold hope you show mercy and stop messing with my body. Not unlike an abusive relationship I still hope next month will be different.

Laura, Bolivia

Random Disappearances

Dear period,

We have a difficult relationship. You often stop randomly due to stress and anxiety. I wish that you would stop making me worry.

Sincerely, someone who has spent a lot of money on pregnancy tests and has to go to the doctor because you a lot.

Anonymous, Scotland

I Hate You

Dear The Pill,

Fuck you for making me depressed. If I wasn’t struggling with myself before you, I certainly was when I was taking you. You made me hate everything so I hate you.

Anonymous, UK

Unprepared

Dear school sex ed,

Why did you never teach us what to do if we have a pregnancy scare ? And teach us to feel ashamed about it ?

Bea, England

I Will Still Be Me

Dear pregnancy,

Like a work project with someone you can't stand dragging on and on, pregnancy you have been a nessasary evil for the last 8 months. I can't believe I still have minimum of four weeks with you. I have never felt so out of control in my own body. I didn't even plan to work with you this early in my life but here we are.

I very nearly stopped working with you in the beginning, it wasn't the plan. I couldn't decide what was the right choice. Maybe that put us off on the wrong foot straight away.

People ask me if I am excited to meet the baby we have grown together and I am not. I am just excited to not be pregnant any more.

The hormones you have pumped into me have made me miserable. I am so fed up of feeling sick all the time, not being able to breathe because you have squashed all my organs, itchy nipples, thrush, migraines, low iron levels, back ache, brain fog - the list seems endless.

I feel as though this big bump you have strapped to me has made people forget I am a person in my own right. People are more than happy to prod and poke me, family members pointing and commenting on bump size, how they think I will cope with birth, and motherhood. Health care professionals telling me what procedures they will be performing, no suggestions of informed consent, just you will be induced at this date, you will have this blood test, you will give birth at this place, you will have a vaginal exam now.

I have even lost my own name as everyone only seems to refer to me as "mummy" now. I'm not "mummy" I am still me, and I will still be me even when my baby is born. You have given me such fear that I will resent my baby because of how unhappy and uncomfortable I have felt the entire time you have been with me.

I know we will most likely meet again, probably in the not too distant future, but I have not enjoyed spending time with you the "glow" is a lie and I can't wait to eat brie again.

I hope for both our sakes this last month passes quickly and uneventfully,

Hannah

Hannah, England

Dramatic Cramping

Dear my ovarian cysts

Thank you for the dark hair all over my body even though I’m blonde. Thank you for the dramatic cramping, the feeling of being shot in the groin on a random Tuesday afternoon when I’m walking to my favourite smoothie bar. Thank you for the gut I will be obsessively trying to get rid of until I accept it’s part of my body. Please, just calm the fuck down.

Ella, UK

Passing Out from Period Pains

Dear doctors who ignored me,

I spent my the first 10 years of my period on various contraceptive pills suffering because my periods were too painful to deal with without some form of hormonal control. But the pills messed up my mental health and combined with other events in my life have left me with anxiety and panic disorder. I’ve spent almost my entire adult life trying to get a doctor to believe that my period hurt more than was normal and no one ever took me seriously. I saw 8 different GPs and no one ever took me seriously nor did they do anything but tell me to take pain relief and get a hot water bottle and try another contraceptive. Like I hadn’t already tried all these things. And now I’m in drug induced menopause because after a year of finally being off any hormonal medication and my period getting worse and worse till I cramped for half of my cycle and passed out multiple times each month because I was in so much pain. All of this culminating in me getting a concussion from hitting my head when I passed out from the pain.
I finally got a gynaecologist to believe me and after paying thousands of dollars I’m now on medication to put me into menopause to stop my period so I don’t have to risk passing out and getting further head injuries till I can finally get surgery to confirm a diagnosis of endometriosis.

So now I’m 24 and in menopause having hot flushes and hormonal mood swings and all the other terrible menopause symptoms that you hear about and still I’m happy about that because I’m not passing out multiple times a month.

I understand that the probable endometriosis wasn’t any ones fault but I shouldn’t of been questioning if I was correct about my feelings about how painful my period was since I was 13 and I shouldn’t of had to spent so much money trying desperately to find a doctor who would believe me.

And it should never of taken me getting a head injury from passing out on my period for anyone to take me seriously. And I shouldn’t of spent years being messed around by doctors being put on hormonal medication that ruined my mental health.

Hannah, New Zealand

A Love Letter

Dear hormonal coil,

I love you.

I love how secure you make me feel by protecting me from pregnancy (without any effort on my part). I love that the low dose of localised hormones don't seem to reach my brain and turn me into the ultra sensitive, will-cry-at-any-moment self that I was on the pill.

I love that I still get to have a distinct hormonal cycle and period with you. I have been tracking my experience with my hormonal cycle and have loved being able to work with and harness the power of it. I didn't really get to have a hormonal cycle with the pill.

Even though I like the feelings of release, reflection, and the opportunity to pause and focus on self care that comes with my periods, I appreciate that you make them so light and manageable for me.

It's been a good 3.5 years so far, here's to many more!

With love,
Holly

Holly, Australia

An Unfair Choice

Dear PMDD,

You destroyed my teenage years by making me depressed, suicidal, anxious and angry for two weeks every month. Now that I know what you do to me, I fight you off with antidepressants. But one day I’m going to be brave enough to say goodbye to you forever with a hysterectomy. You’ve helped to make me who I am, but I’ll never forgive you for making me choose between being happy and having children.

Anonymous, England

Considering the Pill? Part 2

Dear combined pill

Thank you so so much. I couldn’t deal with periods lasting over a week and occurring every two anymore. Bringing with it cramps which made me feel like I was going to throw up and pass out.

You have made my life bearable and period free

Octavia, England

Considering the Pill? Part 1

Dear Pill,

Three weeks in I knew it was the wrong decision I started taking you. I've never felt worse, mentally, than during my first withdrawal bleeding. My GP told me it would get better and convinced me not to stop. I got severely depressed and still I didn't stop. Six months later I quit and another six months later, I finally feel better. I wish I never even considered taking you.

Cecilia, The Netherlands

Grieving Period

Dear Grief,

I didn't know how powerful you could be.

The last thing I expected when I lost my Dad 2 months ago, was any kind of effect on my period.

Yes, Grief, your arrival was very sudden, and unexpected, but can I please have my period back now? I haven't had one since a week before hearing the news.

This is a hard enough time without worrying about my body too. Especially something I've never had an issue with like this.

Sincerely,
Rachel

Rachel, UK

Get the Fuck Out of My Life

Dear progestogen-only pill,

Thank you very much for getting the fuck out of my life. I tried you for 6 months despite my constant disagreements with my GP that you weren't the right switch for me. For those 6 months, you made my first year of uni hell. I spent majority of it crying in my dorm and riddled with anxiety instead of going out with my new friends and having fun like students do. I will never get that chance to do over what was suppose to best year of my life.

You have put me off of having hormones going around my body for life but without you I wouldn't be on my new fitness path and losing all of the weight that you made me put on.

You may have been a best friend for other people but you are not to me

Lots of loathing and regret
Your ex best friend, Holly

Holly, England

Winner!!!

Dear Vaginismus

Thank you for FINALLY allowing me to have sex. You're a right pain in the arse, but I know now I can beat you, and will continue to keep beating you whenever you rear your ugly head. You ruined my life for so many years, put strains on my relationships and diminished my self worth, but who won? Huh?

Anonymous, England

The Battle Has Just Begun

Dear Vaginismus,

I haven’t won any battle against you yet. Tampons make me cry and sex is impossible. But I will win. One day. The control you have over my body, my choice of period protection, and my sex life makes me miserable. But, as I learn more about you, about how I am going to get help to deal with you, I can confirm it’s the start of the end for you. Here’s to less pain.... emotional & physical.

Molly, England

Knives Out

Dear vaginismus,

You’re the unwelcome guest in every aspect of my relationship. I’ve known for a while what you are but always ignored you blindly hoping you’d go away on your own, but there’s only so many times I can turn down sex. I don’t know where you came from, you never used to cause a problem but one day you made me feel like my insides were knives. I’d never heard about you before this, you’re taboo and I feel unworthy of suffering your wrath when I haven’t been assaulted or any of the other awful causes listed on health sites. I guess that makes you even more menacing, to not know what I could have done better to stop you. I’m terrified of what it’ll take to rid you from my life, but 2 years is too many and I need to take back control of my body. This is the start of the journey and years from now vaginismus, you’ll be a faint memory of something I kicked to the curb.

Georgia, England

Bloody Cervix

Dear Cervix,

Why do you need to be so difficult?!

I want nothing more than to do away with pads; the monthly expense, the leaking and the crinkly packets in toilet cubicles.

But no, I can't have my life be changed by using a menstrual cup, because you, my cervix, isn't set back far enough.

You're too close to allow a menstrual cup, ANY menstrual cup, to fit inside me.

So cheers for being such a bloody nuisance, pun INTENDED!

Sincerely
Rachel

Rachel, UK

I Just Want a Baby

Dear Sex Ed Teachers / Films,

Why did you make it seem like getting pregnant would happen so easily? I know you had to be careful and warn people about unwanted pregnancies, but when you hit your late twenties and actually want a baby, it's disheartening to learn just how small the window is each month that you can fall pregnant!

Why didn't you tell me about chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages? Why didn't you talk about ovulation and the different days of my cycle?

I don't feel I should only be learning this now. I just want a baby and no one warned me it could be this frustrating!

Thanks for trying?...
Hopeful-Mum-To-Be

Anonymous, England

Anatomy Autonomy

Dear my vaginismus,

I really don't understand why you make my life so difficult, I don't understand why I must carry the burden of a traumatic experience even now, 7 years later. I don't get why you didn't let me use tampons until I was 18. I don't get why my gynaecologist didn't listen to me when I talked about you.

Thank goodness I switched gynaecologists and pill, because everything was making it harder to deal with you. You won't take my autonomy away from me anymore.

Anonymous, Spain