I Will Still Be Me
Dear pregnancy,
Like a work project with someone you can't stand dragging on and on, pregnancy you have been a nessasary evil for the last 8 months. I can't believe I still have minimum of four weeks with you. I have never felt so out of control in my own body. I didn't even plan to work with you this early in my life but here we are.
I very nearly stopped working with you in the beginning, it wasn't the plan. I couldn't decide what was the right choice. Maybe that put us off on the wrong foot straight away.
People ask me if I am excited to meet the baby we have grown together and I am not. I am just excited to not be pregnant any more.
The hormones you have pumped into me have made me miserable. I am so fed up of feeling sick all the time, not being able to breathe because you have squashed all my organs, itchy nipples, thrush, migraines, low iron levels, back ache, brain fog - the list seems endless.
I feel as though this big bump you have strapped to me has made people forget I am a person in my own right. People are more than happy to prod and poke me, family members pointing and commenting on bump size, how they think I will cope with birth, and motherhood. Health care professionals telling me what procedures they will be performing, no suggestions of informed consent, just you will be induced at this date, you will have this blood test, you will give birth at this place, you will have a vaginal exam now.
I have even lost my own name as everyone only seems to refer to me as "mummy" now. I'm not "mummy" I am still me, and I will still be me even when my baby is born. You have given me such fear that I will resent my baby because of how unhappy and uncomfortable I have felt the entire time you have been with me.
I know we will most likely meet again, probably in the not too distant future, but I have not enjoyed spending time with you the "glow" is a lie and I can't wait to eat brie again.
I hope for both our sakes this last month passes quickly and uneventfully,
Hannah
Hannah, England