Not Just PMS

Dear anti-depressants,

I'm so sorry it took a PMDD diagnosis for me to be comfortable with you. I thought it was just PMS or mood swings - things we're "not meant" to take medication for. Thank you for helping me live a better life and not be a slave to my hormones.

Love, Alexandra

Alexandra, Australia

A Big Fuck You

Dear periods,

Fuck you. Like seriously, fuck you. Fuck you for causing me such extreme mood swings that I go from being elated to suicidal in a matter of days. Fuck you for making me so unwell that I had to be hospitalised for my mental health. Fuck you for leaving me with self harm scars all over my body. Fuck you for making me need to take medication to keep you under control. And finally, fuck you for causing my teenage years to be lost to mental illness.

Anonymous, UK

Protected?

Dear the pill...

Thanks for protecting me for 2 years but a few weeks ago I decided to move on. I didn't realise at first how badly you have affected my mental health. I wasn't asked at any point by a health professional at check ups how my mental health was and your side effects were never discussed. I do miss you in a way, I feel less protected from pregnancy using condoms but the positive change in my mood is more than I could ever have expected.

Anonymous, Scotland

Missing

Dear Period,

After 18 months with you missing of your own accord, I would love for you to return now. Just for my own sanity that I am normal.

Many have told me that I'm lucky I do not have to deal with you every month - but I would rather have you and be in physical pain than the mental pain that comes with not having you.

I hope to see you soon.

Anonymous, UK

Possibilities

Dear my pill,

You've made it possible for me to go out and do things on my periods. You've made it possible for me to he able to not leak through a tampon after an hour. You've made it possible for me to have sex. But do you really have to fuck with my brain so much?! You've helped me in so many ways but I am not myself with you. Thank you for helping me for the past 2 years but please stop affecting my mental health so badly.

Ellie, UK

A Chemical Imbalance

Dear contraceptive injection,

Thanks for making me gain so much weight and giving me a chemical imbalance in my brain to make me think it was all my fault.

Nicola, UK

Random Disappearances

Dear period,

We have a difficult relationship. You often stop randomly due to stress and anxiety. I wish that you would stop making me worry.

Sincerely, someone who has spent a lot of money on pregnancy tests and has to go to the doctor because you a lot.

Anonymous, Scotland

I Hate You

Dear The Pill,

Fuck you for making me depressed. If I wasn’t struggling with myself before you, I certainly was when I was taking you. You made me hate everything so I hate you.

Anonymous, UK

Passing Out from Period Pains

Dear doctors who ignored me,

I spent my the first 10 years of my period on various contraceptive pills suffering because my periods were too painful to deal with without some form of hormonal control. But the pills messed up my mental health and combined with other events in my life have left me with anxiety and panic disorder. I’ve spent almost my entire adult life trying to get a doctor to believe that my period hurt more than was normal and no one ever took me seriously. I saw 8 different GPs and no one ever took me seriously nor did they do anything but tell me to take pain relief and get a hot water bottle and try another contraceptive. Like I hadn’t already tried all these things. And now I’m in drug induced menopause because after a year of finally being off any hormonal medication and my period getting worse and worse till I cramped for half of my cycle and passed out multiple times each month because I was in so much pain. All of this culminating in me getting a concussion from hitting my head when I passed out from the pain.
I finally got a gynaecologist to believe me and after paying thousands of dollars I’m now on medication to put me into menopause to stop my period so I don’t have to risk passing out and getting further head injuries till I can finally get surgery to confirm a diagnosis of endometriosis.

So now I’m 24 and in menopause having hot flushes and hormonal mood swings and all the other terrible menopause symptoms that you hear about and still I’m happy about that because I’m not passing out multiple times a month.

I understand that the probable endometriosis wasn’t any ones fault but I shouldn’t of been questioning if I was correct about my feelings about how painful my period was since I was 13 and I shouldn’t of had to spent so much money trying desperately to find a doctor who would believe me.

And it should never of taken me getting a head injury from passing out on my period for anyone to take me seriously. And I shouldn’t of spent years being messed around by doctors being put on hormonal medication that ruined my mental health.

Hannah, New Zealand

An Unfair Choice

Dear PMDD,

You destroyed my teenage years by making me depressed, suicidal, anxious and angry for two weeks every month. Now that I know what you do to me, I fight you off with antidepressants. But one day I’m going to be brave enough to say goodbye to you forever with a hysterectomy. You’ve helped to make me who I am, but I’ll never forgive you for making me choose between being happy and having children.

Anonymous, England

Considering the Pill? Part 1

Dear Pill,

Three weeks in I knew it was the wrong decision I started taking you. I've never felt worse, mentally, than during my first withdrawal bleeding. My GP told me it would get better and convinced me not to stop. I got severely depressed and still I didn't stop. Six months later I quit and another six months later, I finally feel better. I wish I never even considered taking you.

Cecilia, The Netherlands

Grieving Period

Dear Grief,

I didn't know how powerful you could be.

The last thing I expected when I lost my Dad 2 months ago, was any kind of effect on my period.

Yes, Grief, your arrival was very sudden, and unexpected, but can I please have my period back now? I haven't had one since a week before hearing the news.

This is a hard enough time without worrying about my body too. Especially something I've never had an issue with like this.

Sincerely,
Rachel

Rachel, UK

Get the Fuck Out of My Life

Dear progestogen-only pill,

Thank you very much for getting the fuck out of my life. I tried you for 6 months despite my constant disagreements with my GP that you weren't the right switch for me. For those 6 months, you made my first year of uni hell. I spent majority of it crying in my dorm and riddled with anxiety instead of going out with my new friends and having fun like students do. I will never get that chance to do over what was suppose to best year of my life.

You have put me off of having hormones going around my body for life but without you I wouldn't be on my new fitness path and losing all of the weight that you made me put on.

You may have been a best friend for other people but you are not to me

Lots of loathing and regret
Your ex best friend, Holly

Holly, England

The Battle Has Just Begun

Dear Vaginismus,

I haven’t won any battle against you yet. Tampons make me cry and sex is impossible. But I will win. One day. The control you have over my body, my choice of period protection, and my sex life makes me miserable. But, as I learn more about you, about how I am going to get help to deal with you, I can confirm it’s the start of the end for you. Here’s to less pain.... emotional & physical.

Molly, England

I Wish We’d Never Met

Dear Pill,

I gave you a chance, 3 months straight I bled whilst I hoped you would sort out my life. Instead you ruined my mental health, I cried almost every night and pushed away my friends and family because of you. I’m grateful that we have access to such an amazing medical creation but my god do I wish I’d never met you.

Hannah, UK

The Hunt for Body Autonomy

Dear Ovaries.

I've never wanted you. Sounds harsh I know. But ever since I found out about you, your cycle and your pain, I have wanted you gone. I knew I could because my mum got rid of hers. At 11 I wanted nothing more to free myself from the cycle that caused me hell all for the sake of having babies. I knew even then that I would never lie down with a man and allow myself to be impregnated. I wanted to assert my rights and stand up for myself so I announced to my whole year 5 class that I wanted a hysterectomy. Instead of support all I received was condemnation from male teachers. Yet it didn't lessen my want for freedom. And it didn't stop me from spouting feminist arguments in an age before the Internet. How I discovered such things I do not know. All I know is that I've always been a rebel against something. (Whether I'm rebelling against my parents, school, my ovaries or my birth gender, it always comes from some undeniable part of my soul.)

So I continued to struggle under the pain of my cycle, dreaming of the day where I could have autonomy over my own body. For years I battled with periods that caused fevers, vomiting and hallucinations. I missed so much education and life because of you, dear yet wretched ovaries. The pain you bestowed me would make me scream so much, that I was medicated with codeine at 12, by male doctors that smiled when telling me "it's normal." (Blacking out from pain sure didn't seem normal to me.) Why had I been born with you? You felt more like a curse than a promise of motherhood. (I've never been religious, but I even tried praying you away to no avail.) You caused me so much hell.

If only people had listened to me, maybe things would have been different. If I had been seen by female doctors maybe they would have understood. I still ask myself these things even now. It doesn't do me any good too ask though. I've learnt that in therapy. However I know now, what I go through every time is a kin to periods after miscarriages. It's not normal but I guess it's normal for me at this point. Back when I was 12 those periods were more akin to actual miscarriages. I wish I knew that back then. Maybe people would have taken me more seriously back then.

Now that I'm older you've become a little bit more manageable. But it's hard to say whether you are the one that's gotten better or if I just have more experience with looking after myself. One thing is for sure, I don't black out anymore. (I still have the same anaemia that makes me fall over randomly and I still need 3 naps a day for 3 out of the 5-7 days of my cycle.) You taught me how to survive under excruciating levels of pain. So I guess I should thank you for making me strong. But no-one should go through what I went through. No child should long to be knocked out because of pain. No child should be locked in a room by parents who can't or won't help. (Yes that's something that happened because of you and it's abuse. I see that now.) No child should want to gag themselves so their screams don't wake others. And no child should ever feel ashamed about taking control of their own damn body. (And that is something I hope the world changes.)

For now though I'm still working on getting rid of you. I'm 28 now and my want for a hysterectomy is as strong as ever. I'm still afraid that whatever is wrong or abnormal with you will be passed on, and that's a risk I'll never take. Any way, I've always known I would adopt if I ever were to have a child. That's not changed. Even if my gender identity has. Now I want you gone two-fold. Maybe now people will pay attention to my want for autonomy. I've suffered under you for 17 years, and it's about time I was free from your clutches. I'm more resolute than ever to see the back of you. I want to be able to live my life as the person I'm meant to be instead of living in fear of a dysfunctional and irregular time bomb. And maybe once I'm finally free from living in your shadow, I can begin to move on with my life.
I'd like to say thanks for the memories but I can't.

-H

H, UK

Thank You and Fuck You

Dear Period,

Thank you for being so bad on the first day each month that I HAVE to tell people who want to spend time with me. Now I am so comfortable talking about you with everyone. In fact maybe too comfortable as my bf does not want to know all the details about you (amount, consistency, period poos), but I have to experience them and need to tell someone what a shit show being a person with a period is. So thanks you taught me a lot about myself and society.
But also fuck you, I am so afraid to go off the pill, because you will come back in all your making me faint painful glory (instead of the almost comfy withdrawal bleedings) but I will have to because those hormones probably are not helping my depression.

Please be kind to me when I welcome you back into my life.

Yours B

Anonymous, Austria

Too Sad to Function

Dear Period,

You tend to make me too sad to function, and put me in so much pain that I can't move let alone work. I’m grateful however that you only do this to me 8ish times a year as I dont think I could cope with any more. I hope that one day I'll be brave enough to go back to the doctor to get a treatment that works, but at the moment I'm too scared of any invasive tests. I hope that one day we'll have a better relationship and I can be happier for it.

Izzy

The Diarrhoea is a Bit Much

Dear uterus,

I am sending you this letter as a notification that I will no longer be ashamed of what you tend to do each month. I commend your regularity, but I don't really like the cramps, or the emotional rollercoaster, and the diarrhoea is a bit much. I have lived in shame about my monthly toilet troubles for a while now. I refuse to do so anymore.

Some girls and school nurses told me I got my period earlier than them because I ate more than them, and maybe I should have done more sport and been skinnier and I wouldn't have got it so early. So I skipped my lunch, and pretended that I wasn't bleeding, and never had. Others told me that my painful cramps and IBS symptoms were a result of eating junk food all the time: that I was obviously unhealthy (only doing 3 dance classes a week) and needed a lifestyle change. So I ate rabbit food, took some paracetamol, hated my new womanly curves and vowed to slim down (despite naturally being at an underweight BMI) at the tender age of 13.

Uterus, it wasn't your fault that my relationship with food and my body has become so skewed, so I'm sorry for blaming you. You might have endometriosis, which isn't your fault either (but it's still annoying). So despite your infuriating habits, I will love you just the same, and I will shout about my period flatulence from the rooftops if I have to, so that other girls don't have to go through the shame I did. Because you are wonderful, and I won't let anyone - not even the school nurse - tell me any different.

Love,
Your Proud Owner x

Anonymous, UK

We’ll Meet Again

Dear pill,

Thank you for everything you've done for me, from not getting pregnant to helping me with acne. But I have to let you go now, I didn't know you could make me feel sad or nauseous. Maybe we will meet again some other time.

Myrtle, Greece