Second Chance

Dear period,

Oh boy it’s weird to have you back, but for all your mood swings, cramps and back pain you’ve shown me that I’m healthy again after years of anorexia. Thanks for giving me a second chance.

Anonymous, UK

A Forced Break

Dear the Pill.

We started our relationship when I was 14. I just wanted something to stop my horrendous period pain so I could have a month without fainting and being sick. And you did it! But, I feel like over the last ten years we've changed from how we used to be. Instead of making me happy I don't know how you make me feel, because I don't remember how I felt before you. I was scared to leave you though. And suddenly you weren't available, and I was forced to take a break. And I feel so much lighter and happier and more free. I'm glad of our time together, but now we have to explore other options. I wish you well!

Lucy, UK

Go Die in a Ditch, PCOS

Dear Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome,

I truly wish you would die in a ditch. You're the reason why I feel so disgusted with myself . I have had it with you ruining my face and screwing my self image, I hide the bottom of my face and cry when I see all the scars on my face. I hate that because of you I am in debt $5K because at the age of 17 the hair had gotten so unbearable , I decided to get laser removal treatment, in a low income family. It was excruciatingly painful and I would cry so hard every session. In high school other people decided to point out and make fun of that, I started getting bullied. It’s been some time out of high school but you still haunt me. Regardless of what I would do to tame you, you never go away. I shave everyday, and my face hurts because of it. It hurts so much that I let it grow, and I mourn more. Shaving days have turned into deep conditioning, making sure I take care of my skin , but if you weren’t there how much more happier I'd be.

I fucking hate you.

Leanessa, USA

Not Worth the Entrance Fee

Dear implant side affects,

I was warned of the side effects, it was highlighted that my periods may stop (no complaints there!) I might get headaches, feel sick and may experience mood swings.

Mood swings.

I was not warned just how bad the mood swings would be, you seemed to cause a complete personality change rather than just a few ups and downs. It started slowly, I was more irritable and I said this will pass. I would cry at nothing and then in the middle of that burst into laughter, this will pass I said. Irritable changed into irrational anger, I said let me check with the doctor.

I was assured that this was normal and if I just waited long enough everything would even out, so I agreed that I would wait until the 6 month mark. As I waited I became more and more angry and aggressive with everyone, I cried a lot, the sound of my partner doing mundane day to day tasks made me feel so angry I would have to leave the room before I started screaming about whatever it was.

How exactly was that all perfectly normal?

While it did level out and I have had 2 and half years blissfully without periods it was not worth the entrance fee.

Thanks for showing me that hormonal contraception is not for me.

Bianca, UK

I Am Strong

Dear copper coil,

I still vividly remember how painful it was to get you, the following 24 hrs where it was hard to stand and I wanted to be sick. My periods got longer, bloodier and so much more painful. Yet I fought to get you. Doctors told me it wasn't advisable as I'd never given birth, I'd had bad periods before which meant I would probably not have an easy time with you. But I was determined to try.

I had been on the combined pill, my first contraceptive, for a year and I felt so relieved that my periods had finally become predictable. They still hurt but they were short, less bloody. It took a long time for me to realise my mind was affected instead. The doctor said my depressive feelings were only a result of Masters year stress, not the pill. I had to wait to till the year was over. I believed her. It didn't get better. I returned and requested a new method of contraceptive, one that didn't make me a ball of anxiety if I took it half an hour late. She suggested the implant, a progesterone-only contraceptive that would go in my arm and last for 3 years. Perfect I thought, it was a year and a half later as I fell into a depression related to work pressure that I discovered through my own research that progesterone is linked to low mood side effects. I had periods that lasted weeks, I became anaemic and my hair thinned. It took months to get the implant removed.

A new doctor, a new combined pill, this had a lower dose of progesterone and my periods came back under control, I even hoped my mood was a little better. However, I was badly depressed, going to counselling and taking antidepressants, I was desperate to do anything to lighten the strain. I started looking at non-hormonal contraceptives.

Condoms only terrified me, I never want to be pregnant. That left the copper coil. I was advised toward the hormonal progesterone coil, "It's a low localised dose, fewer side effects, like only taking two pills a week". I was unmoved, I knew my body now. I got almost every side effect on the progesterone implant, I knew this meant the hormonal coil wouldn't lessen my periods, so what benefit was there if it continued to add to my depression? I had to know how bad my mental state really was, free from hormones.

So I got you, the 5-year copper IUD, and they had not been sugar-coating the insertion pain (next time, I want stronger pain medication than two paracetamol). But I'm functioning better, my depression is still here but I have only had one panic attack in the last 3 months since I got you. The mental space dedicated to fear of missed contraceptives is now free. My periods suck but I'm taking the physical pain over mental pain joyfully. I've got prescription pain killers as of my fourth month of coil periods, something I should have asked for as a teenager when I missed school due to period pain.

So, dear copper IUD, thank you. You showed me I could stick up for myself, that my mental health was a valid factor and it's ok to ask for help and a second opinion until a better solution is found. There are no medals for crying in pain so I kicked my pride out the window and asked for painkillers that would actually do something. In an odd way, you taught me to stop punishing myself, even if you do hurt like f**k.

Thanks for showing me I'm strong.

Anonymous, Northern Ireland

Empowerment and Mood Swings

Dear copper IUD,

It's been 2 years now since we were introduced, and although we've had our ups and our downs, I have to say you make me feel so empowered. I think you made my mood swings worse (boo) but you've helped me enjoy sex more (yay) - all in all, I think we're pretty good together!

Emily, Sweden

On/Off Relationship

Dear the Pill,

We have a rocky relationship.

Seeing each other on and off for years. Sometimes I think we are great together, in many ways you make my life a hell of a lot easier, we share the same interests, most notably an active interest in not getting pregnant.

But you also bring out the worst in me. You play with my emotions, manipulate my thoughts, with you I am tearful and angry and feel out of control.

My friends tell me I should leave you, to realise we aren't good together and find another contraceptive partner. But I'm scared to let you go. There may be plenty more fish in the sea, but there are definitely not plenty more contraceptives. While our relationship is undoubtedly toxic, it feels comfortable and familiar and safe.

That being said, maybe it is time to move on. Maybe it's time to find a contraception that does not abuse my trust and manipulate my mind.

So, Pill, hear me when I say,

It's not me, it's you.

Georgie, UK

Falling Through the Cracks

Dear pill,

It's been 2 years I'm no longer taking you, and I couldn't be happier about it. Being totally honest, I would love to stop using condoms, but at least they don't have unpredictable side effects. Just to let you know - my horrible migraines went away. I don't feel miserable anymore. I don't panic anymore if I don't have my migraine medication with me. I don't cry in pain on the bathroom floor after having vomited for the 3rd time in a row, and - most importantly - I don't have to figure out what's wrong with me on my own. My libido is back too, I just feel more alive, more connected to my body. Dear pill, for someone you might be life-saving. But for me you aren't the right choice.

Dear doctors....

Why did I fall through the cracks of the health system? Why didn't you talk to me about possible side effects? Why, when I've got migraines, you didn't connect the dots? Why did you tell me it's all due to genetics and put me on another medication which gave me hallucinations? I was so scared.

I'm free now. No more migraines, no more anxiety about having one, no more hallucinations.

Best,
X

Anonymous, France

Dumped on the Pill

Dear pill,

I wish when I went on you all those years ago (10 years) that I knew you would mess with all my hormones and make it so when I come off the pill that I feel so much better, have a higher sex drive, not feel so messed up. Off the pill now I feel so much better and it's clear I wasn't taught what you could do even though I changed off a few pills for other side effects. Also being off the pill I am starting to learn about my body and what's normal where as for 10 years what I thought was normal was very wrong. Wish I had been given more education rather then just dumped on the pill.

Anonymous

Which is Worse?

Dear The Pill,

You have made my periods 4 days long instead of 7. You have made them lighter, and less painful, and more bearable, but you also cause me to have intense cramps in my cervix and pass clots big enough to fill my menstrual cup. You’ve stolen my sex drive and made my mood swings go wild, yet I feel addicted to you. I’m scared of what will happen if I come off of you, I’m scared the pain and length and heaviness of my periods will come back. I no longer know what’s worse. Heavy, painful, unbearable periods, or mood swings and a lack of sex drive which is threatening my relationship

Please sort it out.

Thanks

Charlotte, England

My Shield

Dear my little pill,

Thank you for becoming my shield against my endometriosis. You have fixed many things and I am grateful to have my life back again. Sometimes I take you for granted and it can get annoying taking a pill every day at the same time and the occasional mood drop can become tiresome. But then I have a break and the pain, nausea, fatigue and pain (again) reminds me that I have a remedy for most of the days of the year and the fact that (for me at least) it is just a little pill is actually very cool. You have even decreased my symptoms of PTSD which is an added bit of fabulous.

Thank you v much,

Anonymous

Dysphoria, Go Fuck Yourself

Dear my distressingly intense Dysphoria

First of all I’d like to kindly ask you to go fuck your self. Second of all why would you do this to me. I’ve been nothing but decent to my body (I say decent cause I haven’t done my best to take care of my body). I kept you out of harms way, you’ve never broken a bone, and I haven’t been sick enough to need to go to the hospital. In return it feels like my body’s decided to betray me in one of the shittiest ways possible. it’s hard because Gender Dysphoria is seen as a mental health issue not a bodily disease, so I can’t just take some medicine and become cured. I don’t know whether to hate my body for being wrong or my brain for not being able to see my body as “correct”. I’ve binded my chest and cried over my period for too long for me to handle anymore. The social Dysphoria is mind numbingly annoying since no one assumes someone is non-binary and I express myself “too feminine” for people to assume I’m a boy. And if I hear one more “my gender is an attack helicopter” joke I’m gonna steal someone’s kidneys.

With annoyance, anger, and other a-words, a non-binary malevolent slime.

Miles, USA

Beats Being Pregnant

Dear Injection,

Thanks for making me gain 15 pounds in a year. I feel awful about my body. Thanks for the awful side effects. Thanks for the spotting and discharge 24/7. But I guess all that beats being pregnant :).

Anonymous, USA

Pre-Pill

Dear Pill,

I am glad to say that I’ve just celebrated a year without you in my life after two and a half difficult years with you in it. Despite protecting me from pregnancy, you caused many changes to my mind and to my body that really hurt me. You caused me to retain water, go through worse periods than pre-pill life, and lead to me spiralling into depression. I was not happy in myself at all. Things have changed a lot and I feel like my pre-pill self again (finally!).
You really won’t be missed, condoms are much better for me now!

Georgia, UK

Left a Scar

Dear Implant,

I read so many reviews and talked to friends before finally deciding on you. You were a bit painful to begin with. We had 9 lovely carefree months together. I didn't have to worry about a thing but I was worried about everything and anything. I became depressed and anxious, maybe not entirely your fault. However, I decided we should part ways and it was a nice clean break-up. You've left me a scar but I am happier now, hormone free and surprisingly worry free.

Switching to condoms was easier than I thought with my partner supporting me 100%. I feel lucky to have them and now to be hormone free.

Love
Lucy

Lucy, Scotland

Not Dirty

Dear period,

Thanks for forcing me to get comfortable with my vagina. thanks for making me spend countless hours digging for my menstrual cup the first time I used one, getting covered in blood and not feeling disgusted, because it wasn’t dirty. It was natural. Thanks for helping me understand my health, by disappearing when I had disordered eating, reminding me that skinny doesn’t equal healthy. Thanks for being predictable. Thanks for being 3 days long. Thanks for making me feel in tune with my own experience of womanhood, but allowing me to realise that being a woman is not confined to having a vagina that bleeds, or breasts that ache for half the month. and I mean ACHE, that is something I don’t thank you for, period.

Yours faithfully, your owner

Anonymous, UK

Funny Story

Dear IUD,

The 10 seconds of pain putting you in is well worth the lighter periods and sex (especially the sex). My anxiety is lessened about unplanned pregnancy thanks to you. Plus, you gave me that funny story about the med student who was so excited when I told her she could look at my vagina too instead of just politely standing by the door unable to see anything.

Chris, USA

A ‘Normal’ Sex Life

Dear Vaginismus,

You have ruined my chances of having a 'normal' sex life. Not just physical but the mental exhaustion and questioning whether my partner still wants to be with me when he is such a sexual person and I am not and cannot. Even three years after physiotherapy and sexual health counseling, I am still struggling daily and really do not want this to tear my relationship apart when everything else is great. You have crushed my self-esteem and self-worth. Why me?

Please leave me alone.

Anonymous, UK

Escape

 Dear the mini pill

I don't even know how to express how grateful I am to you, you saved me from the period pains that crippled me and the mood swings and emotional distress that came with the combined pill (maybe it's more my family and friends that would want to thank you for that one). Thank you for letting me escape the anxiety I felt about when my period would start and most of all thank you for letting me run, walk and climb whenever I like without worrying about cramps.

You treat me right

Love from Lottie

Lottie, England

Assumed Straight

Dear pill,

Thank you for saving me from monthly depressions. It has now been three years since I last had a menstrual depression, and I have gained a normal life. A bonus is that I don’t get 9 day long menstruations, with cramps for days, anymore.

You’re not always great and sometimes you make me feel sick often, especially when I’m tired or hungry, and I will probably have acne scars on my chin forever now.

Taking you has been weird, both because I was vocal about my period before you and then suddenly you made it disappear. It makes me uncomfortable to tell people I take you because they automatically assume I’m straight. Taking you as a lesbian has been tiring to explain, always leading me into the difficult topic of depression.

In the future, I hope I can be free of my menstrual depressions without side effects. But until then, I will take you daily because the side effects are small in comparison to the dark I was in before you.

Best wishes,
Your friend

Anonymous, Sweden