I Am Strong

Dear copper coil,

I still vividly remember how painful it was to get you, the following 24 hrs where it was hard to stand and I wanted to be sick. My periods got longer, bloodier and so much more painful. Yet I fought to get you. Doctors told me it wasn't advisable as I'd never given birth, I'd had bad periods before which meant I would probably not have an easy time with you. But I was determined to try.

I had been on the combined pill, my first contraceptive, for a year and I felt so relieved that my periods had finally become predictable. They still hurt but they were short, less bloody. It took a long time for me to realise my mind was affected instead. The doctor said my depressive feelings were only a result of Masters year stress, not the pill. I had to wait to till the year was over. I believed her. It didn't get better. I returned and requested a new method of contraceptive, one that didn't make me a ball of anxiety if I took it half an hour late. She suggested the implant, a progesterone-only contraceptive that would go in my arm and last for 3 years. Perfect I thought, it was a year and a half later as I fell into a depression related to work pressure that I discovered through my own research that progesterone is linked to low mood side effects. I had periods that lasted weeks, I became anaemic and my hair thinned. It took months to get the implant removed.

A new doctor, a new combined pill, this had a lower dose of progesterone and my periods came back under control, I even hoped my mood was a little better. However, I was badly depressed, going to counselling and taking antidepressants, I was desperate to do anything to lighten the strain. I started looking at non-hormonal contraceptives.

Condoms only terrified me, I never want to be pregnant. That left the copper coil. I was advised toward the hormonal progesterone coil, "It's a low localised dose, fewer side effects, like only taking two pills a week". I was unmoved, I knew my body now. I got almost every side effect on the progesterone implant, I knew this meant the hormonal coil wouldn't lessen my periods, so what benefit was there if it continued to add to my depression? I had to know how bad my mental state really was, free from hormones.

So I got you, the 5-year copper IUD, and they had not been sugar-coating the insertion pain (next time, I want stronger pain medication than two paracetamol). But I'm functioning better, my depression is still here but I have only had one panic attack in the last 3 months since I got you. The mental space dedicated to fear of missed contraceptives is now free. My periods suck but I'm taking the physical pain over mental pain joyfully. I've got prescription pain killers as of my fourth month of coil periods, something I should have asked for as a teenager when I missed school due to period pain.

So, dear copper IUD, thank you. You showed me I could stick up for myself, that my mental health was a valid factor and it's ok to ask for help and a second opinion until a better solution is found. There are no medals for crying in pain so I kicked my pride out the window and asked for painkillers that would actually do something. In an odd way, you taught me to stop punishing myself, even if you do hurt like f**k.

Thanks for showing me I'm strong.

Anonymous, Northern Ireland