Escape

 Dear the mini pill

I don't even know how to express how grateful I am to you, you saved me from the period pains that crippled me and the mood swings and emotional distress that came with the combined pill (maybe it's more my family and friends that would want to thank you for that one). Thank you for letting me escape the anxiety I felt about when my period would start and most of all thank you for letting me run, walk and climb whenever I like without worrying about cramps.

You treat me right

Love from Lottie

Lottie, England

Thirsty Nipples

Dear boobs:

I don't really know why you ache so much sometimes. Or why I get thirsty everytime I touch my nipples (Yes.) But anyways, love you girlies.

Anonymous, Argentina

Narcolepsy and Contraception

Dear Narcolepsy,

You couldn’t just let me get you under control easily could you? I was prescribed Modafinil to control you but of course a medication you’re definitely not meant to get pregnant whilst taking, interacts with the combined pill. Just before you came into my life, I was finally happy with the pill, I could take it all the time to stop my periods, it never let me down. I looked for a new form of contraception but the lack of research around you and Modafinil in young women didn’t make it easy.

I gave up trying to figure out what hormonal contraceptives may or may not be affected, and gave into the Copper Coil. It was a nightmare to get an appointment to get it fitted, and I had a very painful few days at the beginning, but despite that I feel better than ever.

I feel so much more in tune with my body. We have a good relationship now. And even you Narcolepsy, you annoying, inconvenient disease, I feel like we’re on the same level now. We get each other now. So thank you for forcing me to think about my contraception and thank you for pushing me to get the coil. I know I’ll have to put up with you whether I like it or not for the rest of my life and I accept that now.

I’m sure we’ll make it work.

April - whose brain you inhabit

April, UK

Stay Sticky

Dear patch,

Thank you for being my primary form of birth control over the years. I'm sorry that some doctors have tried to get rid of you over the years. They mean well, but they don't know the full story of why we were introduced together. I have quite a few other health issues to worry about and lots of meds to take for them. You, however, cause me the least amount of stress. 3 weeks on and 1 week off made me an expert in my own period and I never really kept track of it before. Thank you for keeping me in charge of my own body. Our time together might come to a close in the next couple of years, as family planning is in the works. Thanks for always being there for me. Stay 'sticky' my friend.

Anonymous

Part of Me

Dear PCOS,

Sometimes you make my life miserable. You’ve made me think about my body and my future in a very different way. From the hairs on my chin to the pain in my back. I can always see you. But in a way I am grateful you are part of me. Without you I wouldn’t be so open about myself. I have been able to connect with so many women on an emotional level and form such a supportive community. Although sometimes guys have been put off by you, that has actually helped me. It’s made me realise that some of them weren’t worth it. And now we’ve found someone who accepts us both, whatever that may mean. All in all, you’re a pain the the arse (actually... lower abdomen really) but you are part of me and that’s fine.

Freja, UK

Unpredictable

Dear the injection,

My life has changed dramatically since meeting you; I've gained weight, and my mood swings are far from predictable. I still get my cramps but I dont get my periods which I thinks a bonus. But the best part is it brought me and my boyfriend closer. Thank you x

Anonymous, Wales

Assumed Straight

Dear pill,

Thank you for saving me from monthly depressions. It has now been three years since I last had a menstrual depression, and I have gained a normal life. A bonus is that I don’t get 9 day long menstruations, with cramps for days, anymore.

You’re not always great and sometimes you make me feel sick often, especially when I’m tired or hungry, and I will probably have acne scars on my chin forever now.

Taking you has been weird, both because I was vocal about my period before you and then suddenly you made it disappear. It makes me uncomfortable to tell people I take you because they automatically assume I’m straight. Taking you as a lesbian has been tiring to explain, always leading me into the difficult topic of depression.

In the future, I hope I can be free of my menstrual depressions without side effects. But until then, I will take you daily because the side effects are small in comparison to the dark I was in before you.

Best wishes,
Your friend

Anonymous, Sweden

An End to the Dread

Dear Pill,

Thank you for changing my life. I used to dread each month for the pain and sadness it would bring but you took it all away from me and now I’m period and pain free and enjoying every month!

Kathryn, UK

Flaws in the System

Dear endometriosis,

You first showed up in the form of me having intense pain during penetrative sex. Then I started to become ill every time I had my period while I was on the pill. Then with the hormonal coil, I was finally getting a bit of a break from you for a few years but you sure as hell worked your way through that to the point where I was in debilitating pain. At my lowest, I had full blown contraction level cramps for two weeks straight. However, I don't blame you.

I blame the doctors who did not take me seriously for so long. Who eventually sent me to a psychologist to fix my pain, which was impossible and left me feeling terribly guilty about not improving. I blame the >20 medical professionals I saw over the years who never thought about endometriosis as a possible explanation for my symptoms, I blame the medical system that severely fails to fund research on bodies with uteruses and basically any body that does not belong to a white able-bodied man. I blame the "endo specialists" I saw when I finally figured out on my own that I have endo and then dismissed me based on incorrect arguments (which I learned thanks to the Hormone Diaries community, massive shout out to all of you).

Thankfully with help of this community I finally got the help I needed. Now, a few months after surgery I am stomach pain free, my bowels begin to function more normally again and with physio therapy and psychological therapy I can finally work through my medical traumas, and start getting my body and life back. I hope I never feel you again, don't take it personally but you're quite literally a pain in the ass.

xoxo, your host

Anonymous, The Netherlands

Never Assume

Dear Doctor,

Pap smears aren't supposed to be that painful. It shouldn't have made me cry and scream in a way I've never heard myself scream before. It shouldn't have been the most traumatic moment of my life. You shouldn't have kept going.

Afterwards you asked, "Does it hurt that much during sex?" I said, "I've never had sex before." You were shocked, embarrassed.

"Oh, I assumed you had since you've been with your boyfriend for so long."

You shouldn't have assumed. You shouldn't assume anything.

You should have stopped when I screamed. You should have communicated. You should have asked.

Please promise me you'll never assume anything about your patients again, especially when it comes to their sexual health.

Sincerely,

Anonymous, USA

Bad Timing

Dear my period,

You always seem to appear when it’s least practical. Last summer the thing I was most excited about was having a holiday without you. For every single drama exam you decided to tag along, a very unwelcome companion. At least having this year’s exams cancelled means I have another year to build up the confidence to ask my GP about contraception. Maybe next year I won’t have to sit in a freezing sports hall in horrible pain trying to write in Spanish.

Not a lot of love,

Molly

Molly, England

You Picked a Taurus

Dear Heavy Menses:

Couldn't you have warned me first? Coming in a fury with headaches, nausea, cramps, bloating, hot and cold flashes, night sweats, even if I was out and about.

Why would you just do me like that making me miserable for days with blood clots, heavy bleeding, and dehydration requiring IV fluids?

Did you think that was funny having to get iron infusions and B12 injections in the ER for microcytic hypochromic anaemia?

You thought you won didn't you? You thought you beat me, RIGHT?

WRONG!

I met so many wonderful warriors in the Henry Cancer Center who also were fighting just like me.

Because truly being winded just walking up steps is no fun and we ladies want to play.

Sure, you might've thought when the doctor told me I was computer diagnosed with HUS (Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome) at 46 years of age - You figured I got her now- because you started it all....

But you can't win against someone who never gives up!

The choice is not yours to make it's mine and I just turned 47 having almost left this menopause world behind me. Your clock is ticking my friend.

Your time is almost up.

Meanwhile, I have been working diligently to get my weight in check, get my blood tests under control along with my blood pressure and pre diabetes-thank you BMP and CBC- but more importantly I won't go out with sinus tachycardia nor any EKG test -nor even a d-dimer or troponin high will do it.

You see you picked a Taurus!

We don't give up.

You don't realize the power of staying in faith after already having almost died in childbirth with a placenta abruptio and a son born with vater syndrome.

You have no idea I was already under significant stress -having divorced a malignant narcissist in 2013, and was left bankrupt, homeless, extreme poverty, and LT unemployed unable to get re-employed after raising 3 kids for past 20 years solo with a dual masters and 20 yrs of community service being awarded the highest our nation offers -Points of Light awardee- Thank you President George H.W. Bush (41st President of the USA)

You picked the wrong woman to mess with.

I won't put up with bullies like you.

I will win!

See you at the finish line my friend where I will be the one still standing strong as that beautiful 400 year old oak in my backyard which I'm now allergic too along with June grass.

Life is not measured in how many things you accomplished but in how many times you got knocked down and jumped right back up.

I'm here to tell you it's over between us. Take your friends with you and go.

With all my love,
Donna

Donna, USA

Poof! A Baby!

Dear My Irregular Period,

My story starts all the way back in 2015. I had just married my husband and we decided together that I should stop taking the pill. I had been taking the pill for 3 years and the entire time I never felt like myself. I cried all the time and was very depressed. As soon as I stopped, I felt like my old self. It was amazing!
I began trying to track my fertility and soon realized I had very long/irregular cycles. Anywhere from 30-50 days. I began to do research and came across The Hormone Diaries in 2016! It was a great comfort watching Hannah navigate through same changes I was going through. For the next few years I would bring up my irregular cycles with my doctor at my annual exam. They ran a few blood tests and since everything was normal, they said there was nothing to worry about.

Cut to fall of 2020. My husband and I decided to start trying to conceive a baby. Luckily since I had tracked my fertility for so long, I was aware of when I would ovulate.

Poof!

After a month I was pregnant! We were overjoyed. But unfortunately it was short lived. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks. It was very hard. However, I was not to be deterred from our mission of having a child.

Poof!

The next month we found out we were pregnant again! This time the baby stuck. And I am currently 35 weeks pregnant.

I will never know why that first baby didn’t work out. Was it my body? Is it something to do with my irregular cycles? Was something just not right with that embryo? The questions still linger. But for now, I just focus on this special time in my life where we are about to welcome our baby boy very soon!

Faye, USA

Offended or Grateful?

Dear The Pill,

When the doctor at the walk in clinic said she'd like to change my pill from the combined pill to the progestogen only pill, because I was fat and the POP was safer, I didn't know whether I should be offended or grateful.

6 years of no periods later, and I can definitely say I'm grateful. No periods isn't the only thing you've brought me. You gave me my life back. I didn't realise how deeply my depression and anxiety were linked to my periods until I stopped having them. I stopped wanting to kill myself, I stopped hating everyone, I stopped being so damn angry all the time. You saved me from myself.

I know some people find the pill makes them depressed and alters their mood for the negative. I am so lucky and so grateful that, for me, it did the opposite. For me, taking the pill is the biggest form of self care I have. I am so very, very grateful.

A pill a day is a small price to pay for my life. Thank you.

Your loyal friend,

Anonymous, UK

Hormone Free

Dear Natural Family Planning,

Thank you for teaching me about my body and helping my partner and I avoid pregnancy right now. You helped me avoid taking birth control when I was worried the hormones would hide issues with my cycle. You help me identify potential endometriosis. You showed that I don't have a progesterone issues so that when we have try to have kids, I know I have done what I can to prevent miscarriages after my mom had so many.

I'm sorry, Natural Family Planning, that people call you the rhythm cycle and think you don't work for preventing having kids. Thank you for teaching me about my hormones. Thank you for working. I hope more people learn about you and get to know you better.

Much love,

Anonymous, USA

Until I Decide to be a Mum

Dear pill,

Thank you for allowing me to go on with my life for 8 years. You've been amazing, here's to a long friendship till I decide I want to be a mum.

Ariadne, Spain

Misunderstood Legend

Dear Birth Control,

The mini-pill? You're a misunderstood legend that just wasnt right for me. You stopped my period but were a lot of effort, gave me acne and made my hair fall out.

Sorry we didn't work out.

Combined-pill? You and I were once perfect for each other, but after my experience with the mini, you turned on me. After 3 weeks of excruciating leg pain to the point that I couldn't walk/sit/stand without taking a heavy dose of prescription painkillers (and a doctor pointing out it could be "a touch of endometriosis" in my legs that was triggered, I decided to end things. You weren't worth my suffering, I had a degree to finish and a life to live.

To my current beau, the hormonal coil. You are a blessing disguised by my uterus. Yes we have our ups and downs (the horrendous acne, hairfall and cramps for the first few months, and you giving my boyfriend’s penis a prod on occasion), but I'm down for the long term commitment if you promise not to be a dick for too much longer. I don’t believe in soul mates or "the one" but you might be the closest I've gotten to it so far.

All that said, to all of my birth controls, I appreciate your service. You will never be forgotten, and I will always remember that you stopped me from reproducing when I didn’t (and currently don’t) want to.

Lots of love,
Hannah

Hannah, Scotland

Contraception Choices Minefield

Dear my pill,

I started taking you at age 16 and it was golden from the off. We never had a disagreement over the next 6 years. They have since stopped making you and I am heartbroken. I have tried other pills, I am currently on the hormonal coil and, given the constant bleeding I have experienced on the coil (it’s been 7 months), I have gone on the pill again to help settle it down. I want desperately for the coil to suit me and to replace you but I am feeling drained and without hope. Having access to so many options today is wonderful and a privilege, but I cannot help being angry that it is such a minefield. Bodies, eh? For anyone reading, though, if you choose to go on the hormonal coil ask your doctor about going on the pill/staying on the pill at the same time. Apparently this helps your body get used to the coil quicker and you should be able to stop taking it after 3 months. This would have helped me. We just all need to work together to make sure everyone is as informed as they can be!

My heart goes out to anyone else who used the same pill as me and misses her as much as I do. Stay safe!

Natasha, UK

Not Worth It

Dear Pill,

I was made to go on you when I was getting sexually active, and it was great. We had a lovely time together. But over the years, you made me feel nothing, made me paranoid, made my mental health reach an all time low. The fear of pregnancy and the joy of being able to control when I would have my period wasn't worth it anymore.

I was beginning to hate you.

I would forget taking you in the morning.

I was beginning to think that this wasn't worth it anymore.

I had to think of another way to prevent pregnancy.

So goodbye, Pill.

I have moved on to the IUD. The pain in the beginning was worth it, my mental health feels so much better

Anonymous, UK

Small Victory

Dear vaginismus,

Fuck you for keeping tampons from me for so long. I hope that maybe one day you'll even let me use a menstrual cup. But for now I'll smile and be thankful everytime I wear a tampon, and relish knowing that I had a victory over you, even though it was small.

Katie