Passing Out from Period Pains

Dear doctors who ignored me,

I spent my the first 10 years of my period on various contraceptive pills suffering because my periods were too painful to deal with without some form of hormonal control. But the pills messed up my mental health and combined with other events in my life have left me with anxiety and panic disorder. I’ve spent almost my entire adult life trying to get a doctor to believe that my period hurt more than was normal and no one ever took me seriously. I saw 8 different GPs and no one ever took me seriously nor did they do anything but tell me to take pain relief and get a hot water bottle and try another contraceptive. Like I hadn’t already tried all these things. And now I’m in drug induced menopause because after a year of finally being off any hormonal medication and my period getting worse and worse till I cramped for half of my cycle and passed out multiple times each month because I was in so much pain. All of this culminating in me getting a concussion from hitting my head when I passed out from the pain.
I finally got a gynaecologist to believe me and after paying thousands of dollars I’m now on medication to put me into menopause to stop my period so I don’t have to risk passing out and getting further head injuries till I can finally get surgery to confirm a diagnosis of endometriosis.

So now I’m 24 and in menopause having hot flushes and hormonal mood swings and all the other terrible menopause symptoms that you hear about and still I’m happy about that because I’m not passing out multiple times a month.

I understand that the probable endometriosis wasn’t any ones fault but I shouldn’t of been questioning if I was correct about my feelings about how painful my period was since I was 13 and I shouldn’t of had to spent so much money trying desperately to find a doctor who would believe me.

And it should never of taken me getting a head injury from passing out on my period for anyone to take me seriously. And I shouldn’t of spent years being messed around by doctors being put on hormonal medication that ruined my mental health.

Hannah, New Zealand

A Love Letter

Dear hormonal coil,

I love you.

I love how secure you make me feel by protecting me from pregnancy (without any effort on my part). I love that the low dose of localised hormones don't seem to reach my brain and turn me into the ultra sensitive, will-cry-at-any-moment self that I was on the pill.

I love that I still get to have a distinct hormonal cycle and period with you. I have been tracking my experience with my hormonal cycle and have loved being able to work with and harness the power of it. I didn't really get to have a hormonal cycle with the pill.

Even though I like the feelings of release, reflection, and the opportunity to pause and focus on self care that comes with my periods, I appreciate that you make them so light and manageable for me.

It's been a good 3.5 years so far, here's to many more!

With love,
Holly

Holly, Australia

Considering the Pill? Part 2

Dear combined pill

Thank you so so much. I couldn’t deal with periods lasting over a week and occurring every two anymore. Bringing with it cramps which made me feel like I was going to throw up and pass out.

You have made my life bearable and period free

Octavia, England

Grieving Period

Dear Grief,

I didn't know how powerful you could be.

The last thing I expected when I lost my Dad 2 months ago, was any kind of effect on my period.

Yes, Grief, your arrival was very sudden, and unexpected, but can I please have my period back now? I haven't had one since a week before hearing the news.

This is a hard enough time without worrying about my body too. Especially something I've never had an issue with like this.

Sincerely,
Rachel

Rachel, UK

I Wish We’d Never Met

Dear Pill,

I gave you a chance, 3 months straight I bled whilst I hoped you would sort out my life. Instead you ruined my mental health, I cried almost every night and pushed away my friends and family because of you. I’m grateful that we have access to such an amazing medical creation but my god do I wish I’d never met you.

Hannah, UK

You Need To Calm Down

Dear pre-period moodiness,

Can you calm the hell down? We do this every month, we know what's about to go down and to be honest theres no need.

Steph

The Hunt for Body Autonomy

Dear Ovaries.

I've never wanted you. Sounds harsh I know. But ever since I found out about you, your cycle and your pain, I have wanted you gone. I knew I could because my mum got rid of hers. At 11 I wanted nothing more to free myself from the cycle that caused me hell all for the sake of having babies. I knew even then that I would never lie down with a man and allow myself to be impregnated. I wanted to assert my rights and stand up for myself so I announced to my whole year 5 class that I wanted a hysterectomy. Instead of support all I received was condemnation from male teachers. Yet it didn't lessen my want for freedom. And it didn't stop me from spouting feminist arguments in an age before the Internet. How I discovered such things I do not know. All I know is that I've always been a rebel against something. (Whether I'm rebelling against my parents, school, my ovaries or my birth gender, it always comes from some undeniable part of my soul.)

So I continued to struggle under the pain of my cycle, dreaming of the day where I could have autonomy over my own body. For years I battled with periods that caused fevers, vomiting and hallucinations. I missed so much education and life because of you, dear yet wretched ovaries. The pain you bestowed me would make me scream so much, that I was medicated with codeine at 12, by male doctors that smiled when telling me "it's normal." (Blacking out from pain sure didn't seem normal to me.) Why had I been born with you? You felt more like a curse than a promise of motherhood. (I've never been religious, but I even tried praying you away to no avail.) You caused me so much hell.

If only people had listened to me, maybe things would have been different. If I had been seen by female doctors maybe they would have understood. I still ask myself these things even now. It doesn't do me any good too ask though. I've learnt that in therapy. However I know now, what I go through every time is a kin to periods after miscarriages. It's not normal but I guess it's normal for me at this point. Back when I was 12 those periods were more akin to actual miscarriages. I wish I knew that back then. Maybe people would have taken me more seriously back then.

Now that I'm older you've become a little bit more manageable. But it's hard to say whether you are the one that's gotten better or if I just have more experience with looking after myself. One thing is for sure, I don't black out anymore. (I still have the same anaemia that makes me fall over randomly and I still need 3 naps a day for 3 out of the 5-7 days of my cycle.) You taught me how to survive under excruciating levels of pain. So I guess I should thank you for making me strong. But no-one should go through what I went through. No child should long to be knocked out because of pain. No child should be locked in a room by parents who can't or won't help. (Yes that's something that happened because of you and it's abuse. I see that now.) No child should want to gag themselves so their screams don't wake others. And no child should ever feel ashamed about taking control of their own damn body. (And that is something I hope the world changes.)

For now though I'm still working on getting rid of you. I'm 28 now and my want for a hysterectomy is as strong as ever. I'm still afraid that whatever is wrong or abnormal with you will be passed on, and that's a risk I'll never take. Any way, I've always known I would adopt if I ever were to have a child. That's not changed. Even if my gender identity has. Now I want you gone two-fold. Maybe now people will pay attention to my want for autonomy. I've suffered under you for 17 years, and it's about time I was free from your clutches. I'm more resolute than ever to see the back of you. I want to be able to live my life as the person I'm meant to be instead of living in fear of a dysfunctional and irregular time bomb. And maybe once I'm finally free from living in your shadow, I can begin to move on with my life.
I'd like to say thanks for the memories but I can't.

-H

H, UK

Betrayal

Dear beloved period,

When you first came around, I was heartbroken. My body had betrayed me and developed in a way I knew it wasn't supposed to. I struggled to conform to what you and society told me I was supposed to be. After 10 years of struggling with you, we finally came to a mutual understanding that you won't come by anymore. I appreciate the challenges you gave me and the worldview you gave me. I really can't say that I miss you, but I wouldn't be the same without you having been in my life.

Your boy,

Anonymous, USA

Thank You and Fuck You

Dear Period,

Thank you for being so bad on the first day each month that I HAVE to tell people who want to spend time with me. Now I am so comfortable talking about you with everyone. In fact maybe too comfortable as my bf does not want to know all the details about you (amount, consistency, period poos), but I have to experience them and need to tell someone what a shit show being a person with a period is. So thanks you taught me a lot about myself and society.
But also fuck you, I am so afraid to go off the pill, because you will come back in all your making me faint painful glory (instead of the almost comfy withdrawal bleedings) but I will have to because those hormones probably are not helping my depression.

Please be kind to me when I welcome you back into my life.

Yours B

Anonymous, Austria

You Don’t Understand

Dear fiance,

I have lived 12 long years at your "side" with 5 of those years being quite literally at your side. For this I am thankful, but when it comes to my womanhood you are so clueless and timid. This used to be adorable, but as we've both grown I've realized what an atrocity it was to men and women all around. At the slightest sign of my breasts being tender or my period being inconsistent or my pill being 30 minutes late, your mind instantly worries. " You're not pregnant are you?" is a phrase I so often must laugh or sigh and claim " No!" Too many times I have tried to explain that these things simply happen to a woman and that not all menstrual cycles, pms, and aging goes the same way! Different contraception methods, different feelings towards pads and tampons, and even differing feelings about intercourse for every woman during or after their periods can change so much! It's made me realize that sex education is lacking so horribly for the opposite sex. I've definitely had my fair share of utter confusion about the male body, but things I've learned in the past, or have had to learn over time by myself are so blind to you and have required so much explanation. You still don't understand, and that's okay, because honestly neither do I. It's time for my country to stop being such a prude about our bodies. Sex education should be for all sexes, and OF all sexes! This includes knowledge about what happens to our bodies over time. A period ( or lack-thereof) shouldn't be scary to a little girl, nor a woman, nor that woman's partner of a different sex!

Sincerely, a frustrated woman
Sex Education for all and of all!

Ashlee, USA

Thanks For the Pads, I Guess…

Dear Camp Counsellor,

When I happened to have my second-ever period during camp, you graciously gave me some of your pads. However, saying "I shouldn't have to give you pads, you need to go buy your own" to a twelve year old - in the middle nowhere, who obviously has no money, when there was still three days left of camp AND her period - probably wasn't the best idea. I understand you didn't need to give me your pads, but you definitely should have helped me.

Sincerely,
Three ruined jeans and a woman who spent ten years afraid of her period

Samantha, USA

Period Alert!

Dear Pads and Tampons,

Why are you so loud to open? Why do you need to alert everyone else in the toilets that I'm on my period.

But more importantly why are we ingrained with this shame about people knowing when we're on our periods? It's something that about 50% of the world go through, so why as newly bleeding humans do we already know it's something to hide from others?

Charlotte, UK

Too Sad to Function

Dear Period,

You tend to make me too sad to function, and put me in so much pain that I can't move let alone work. I’m grateful however that you only do this to me 8ish times a year as I dont think I could cope with any more. I hope that one day I'll be brave enough to go back to the doctor to get a treatment that works, but at the moment I'm too scared of any invasive tests. I hope that one day we'll have a better relationship and I can be happier for it.

Izzy

Kinda Crappy

Dear the pill,

we have a love and hate relationship. you keep my cycle in check, because without you my pcos can cause me to go 6 months without a period. But, you make my cramps worse and have made my life kinda crappy.
sincerely,

Anonymous, USA

Go With the Flow

Dear hormonal coil,

It's been a bumpy ride so far. I wasn't prepared for how you wouldn't settle for the first 6 weeks or that my body would do new things throughout the month according to my hormones (your friend, the pill, had left me without periods for 3 years). We had big cramps at first and changes in breast tissue which seemed scary, but we seem to be settling and learning how to be with each other now.

I wish that more people talked about you and women's bodies in general, you're such a mystery and taboo.

Despite the uncertainty, you've taught me a lot - how to be patient with my body, go with the flow (literally!) and seek help when I was unsure of what changes meant. I know my physical and mental body more deeply because of you.

Here's to a being more hopeful in our partnership and that it endures.

Ellie

Ellie, UK

The Diarrhoea is a Bit Much

Dear uterus,

I am sending you this letter as a notification that I will no longer be ashamed of what you tend to do each month. I commend your regularity, but I don't really like the cramps, or the emotional rollercoaster, and the diarrhoea is a bit much. I have lived in shame about my monthly toilet troubles for a while now. I refuse to do so anymore.

Some girls and school nurses told me I got my period earlier than them because I ate more than them, and maybe I should have done more sport and been skinnier and I wouldn't have got it so early. So I skipped my lunch, and pretended that I wasn't bleeding, and never had. Others told me that my painful cramps and IBS symptoms were a result of eating junk food all the time: that I was obviously unhealthy (only doing 3 dance classes a week) and needed a lifestyle change. So I ate rabbit food, took some paracetamol, hated my new womanly curves and vowed to slim down (despite naturally being at an underweight BMI) at the tender age of 13.

Uterus, it wasn't your fault that my relationship with food and my body has become so skewed, so I'm sorry for blaming you. You might have endometriosis, which isn't your fault either (but it's still annoying). So despite your infuriating habits, I will love you just the same, and I will shout about my period flatulence from the rooftops if I have to, so that other girls don't have to go through the shame I did. Because you are wonderful, and I won't let anyone - not even the school nurse - tell me any different.

Love,
Your Proud Owner x

Anonymous, UK

Third Time Lucky

Dear progestogen-only pill,

Thank you for being you. For letting me have sex with less fear of getting pregnant. For letting me have regular periods, even though you are progestogen only and that is against the odds. You are the third pill that I have been on - so far, third time lucky. My periods are still just as painful and heavy as usual as they are when I wasn't taking you, but I can just about deal with that.

Thank you for being you.

Yours,
Melissa

Melissa, UK

Long-Ass Cycle

Dear my period cycle,

We’ve been on a long and hard journey together. Even from a young age, your irregularity scared me. Before I started the pill at age 16, my last cycle was 54 days long and that was before I started having sex. More recently at age 19, I stopped the pill (and switched to condoms) and you took 60 days to arrive AND you bleed through my jeans. You really scared me. Even when I know I am not pregnant. So now I’m back on the pill, thanks a lot to my period cycle.

Rachel, Scotland

Don’t Want to Deal With You

Dear uterus...

I truly wish I didn't have you. I am so scared of being pregnant. I bleed for over a week with my period. I wish I didn't have you and never have to deal with you again.

Ali, USA

Second Chance

Dear period,

Oh boy it’s weird to have you back, but for all your mood swings, cramps and back pain you’ve shown me that I’m healthy again after years of anorexia. Thanks for giving me a second chance.

Anonymous, UK