The Hunt for Body Autonomy
Dear Ovaries.
I've never wanted you. Sounds harsh I know. But ever since I found out about you, your cycle and your pain, I have wanted you gone. I knew I could because my mum got rid of hers. At 11 I wanted nothing more to free myself from the cycle that caused me hell all for the sake of having babies. I knew even then that I would never lie down with a man and allow myself to be impregnated. I wanted to assert my rights and stand up for myself so I announced to my whole year 5 class that I wanted a hysterectomy. Instead of support all I received was condemnation from male teachers. Yet it didn't lessen my want for freedom. And it didn't stop me from spouting feminist arguments in an age before the Internet. How I discovered such things I do not know. All I know is that I've always been a rebel against something. (Whether I'm rebelling against my parents, school, my ovaries or my birth gender, it always comes from some undeniable part of my soul.)
So I continued to struggle under the pain of my cycle, dreaming of the day where I could have autonomy over my own body. For years I battled with periods that caused fevers, vomiting and hallucinations. I missed so much education and life because of you, dear yet wretched ovaries. The pain you bestowed me would make me scream so much, that I was medicated with codeine at 12, by male doctors that smiled when telling me "it's normal." (Blacking out from pain sure didn't seem normal to me.) Why had I been born with you? You felt more like a curse than a promise of motherhood. (I've never been religious, but I even tried praying you away to no avail.) You caused me so much hell.
If only people had listened to me, maybe things would have been different. If I had been seen by female doctors maybe they would have understood. I still ask myself these things even now. It doesn't do me any good too ask though. I've learnt that in therapy. However I know now, what I go through every time is a kin to periods after miscarriages. It's not normal but I guess it's normal for me at this point. Back when I was 12 those periods were more akin to actual miscarriages. I wish I knew that back then. Maybe people would have taken me more seriously back then.
Now that I'm older you've become a little bit more manageable. But it's hard to say whether you are the one that's gotten better or if I just have more experience with looking after myself. One thing is for sure, I don't black out anymore. (I still have the same anaemia that makes me fall over randomly and I still need 3 naps a day for 3 out of the 5-7 days of my cycle.) You taught me how to survive under excruciating levels of pain. So I guess I should thank you for making me strong. But no-one should go through what I went through. No child should long to be knocked out because of pain. No child should be locked in a room by parents who can't or won't help. (Yes that's something that happened because of you and it's abuse. I see that now.) No child should want to gag themselves so their screams don't wake others. And no child should ever feel ashamed about taking control of their own damn body. (And that is something I hope the world changes.)
For now though I'm still working on getting rid of you. I'm 28 now and my want for a hysterectomy is as strong as ever. I'm still afraid that whatever is wrong or abnormal with you will be passed on, and that's a risk I'll never take. Any way, I've always known I would adopt if I ever were to have a child. That's not changed. Even if my gender identity has. Now I want you gone two-fold. Maybe now people will pay attention to my want for autonomy. I've suffered under you for 17 years, and it's about time I was free from your clutches. I'm more resolute than ever to see the back of you. I want to be able to live my life as the person I'm meant to be instead of living in fear of a dysfunctional and irregular time bomb. And maybe once I'm finally free from living in your shadow, I can begin to move on with my life.
I'd like to say thanks for the memories but I can't.
-H
H, UK