Cramps So Bad I’m Sick

Dear period and cramps,

I still don't know if you are regular, or heavily painful cramps, or endometriosis or something else. I've had my period for 13 years now, cramps getting worse every year. You make me sick, literally. I want to be happy about my period. I want to be happy that I am a woman who is not unwillingly pregnant and who is healthy enough to get her periods. I want to celebrate that I am healthy, again, that you are back, again. But I can't celebrate that, lying in my bed for two or three days, suffering from cramps that get bad enough to make me sick sometimes. That push the content of my stomach out through my mouth by cramping so hard that my whole tummy clenches. My gynaecologists, five by now, feel up my vagina and into my uterus, put ultrasound probes into me and still don't know what to do about me. They tell me to take the pill without any breaks so I don't get my period and don't get pain. It works. But I feel weird about it. I want to have a regular period. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel natural. I don't want hormones pumped inside of me to suppress a natural process, to alter my hormonal balance, to worsen my chronic depression. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel natural. I want to feel seen. I want to feel believed and taken seriously.
I want you back, period. But I can well be spared you, cramps.

Love,
Amelie
Amelie, Germany

*Side Eyes*

Dear (possible) endometriosis,

I've been trying to get you diagnosed for years now, and I know it's not entirely your fault that hasn't happened yet (side eyes to the centuries of women being excluded from medical research). It just would be really nice to find a way to deal with whatever is going on with my uterus, and if it's you for sure.

So, endometriosis, if it's you causing me this trouble, please just calm it down. It's not been a fun ride these few years, heavy periods, agonisingly painful cramps, fatigue, back pain and abdomen pain both on and off my period, and all the rest of it are a bit rubbish.

Maybe, once I know, I could forgive you. For now, I'll fight you as much as I can.

Anonymous, UK

“Inconclusive”

Dear my implant,

Why would you make me put on so much weight? Why has that weight got to be in such a way that I look 4/5 months pregnant constantly? Why would you give me month long PMS despite the fact I have no period?

I got you as I couldn't deal with the headaches I got on my period (with or without the pill) - they left me unable to get out of bed for the whole weekend. I was told you'd potentially stop me having periods at all - which you have, and for that, I'm very very grateful! The headaches are gone, and I have no debilitating cramps! But still having a lot of the PMS symptoms (see: mood swings, random crying, bloating, fatigue, headaches, spot breakouts) in the lead up to light spotting, and the weight gain? I wasn't prepared for that. I never felt that weight was important to me, and the numbers still don't, but looking at my stretch marks and the fat I've never had before, makes me feel like this isn't my body.

This is only made worse by the fact that weight gain isn't *officially* a proven side effect. The fact that the internet is full of women saying that implant has made them gain weight is apparently irrelevant because the small amount of scientific evidence on the subject is 'inconclusive'.

I realise that having you removed would stop all of this, but I don't know if my natural cycle would be any better or if those horrendous headaches and flu-like symptoms would return. Perhaps, you are the lesser of two evils - I can live with these side-effects, even if I have had to buy bigger jeans! Plus, as long as I have you, I can kid myself that the weight will fall off once you're gone with no work required on my part!

I'm sorry I spend so much time being angry with you - I'm sure you're doing the best you can!

All my love,
a-grateful-but-frustrated Chelsea xxx

Chelsea, UK

Drama Queen

Dear cramps,

please chill out! We're not trying to eject a baby, there is no need to be so dramatic. In fact, could you just not?

Sofia, USA

Fuck You!

Dear PMS,

You usually make me quite tired, but this month, you also decided to make me angry. *Very* angry and irritable. I hate that even when I recognise that you are happening, I struggle to control your effects!

I spent yesterday fuming against everything and everyone, then telling myself that it's just PMS and to calm down, then ranting again after a few minutes. Thankfully I was working at home, so nobody's feelings were hurt by my numerous "Fuck you!" exclamations, but living with you can be hard sometimes. Today you're gone, and I almost feel relieved that you've been replaced by your pal Periods.

Dear PMS, see you next month to discover what you have in store for me then!

Anonymous, France

Host Body Aches and Pains

Dear Implant,

As much as I like you, you've been rather annoying.

I've been grateful for the lack of cramps, or lessening the blow of them, as holy shit they were getting bad for me. Also, the very lengthy time between my periods has been nice, but the 2 week periods of very light blood? Annoying as fuck for someone using a menstrual cup (I had a fairly regular cycle before, with more blood) for the lightest flow, so I have to use panty liners.

Other than the 2 week periods, I'm mostly annoyed that when I first got you inserted, the area around started to ache quite badly. Enough that I sometimes couldn't use my arm, and I had to get you replaced. I'm glad they changed the area it was inserted, as it's now hopefully in an area where it won’t ache! (the back of my upper arm, it apparently has fewer nerves)

Let's just hope you can continue to do your job for the next 3 years without any more issues!

Your host body,
Amelia

Amelia, UK

Thank You, Doctor

Dear my Pill,

Thank you for helping solve the horrible apathy, delusions and impulsiveness I would get right before my period. Also thank you to my doctor who thought to put me on a contraceptive pill after so many antidepressants made things much worse. You da best. (fyi worth reiterating that all bodies react differently to the Pill and antidepressants – this was just my experience)

Ash, Australia

Educate the Men

Dear sex education for boys and men,

Why did you not learn about my period? Why is it every guy I've dated has not realised I bleed every single month or that I can't 'hold it in' or that my hormones mean sometimes I act a little out of character (to say the least),

And cis boys/men if you want to date someone who has a vulva, please learn where the clit is...

Charlotte

A Big Piece of Plastic

Dear Menstrual Cup,

Why didn't I start using you earlier?! You have completely changed my period and are so easy to use! I always thought you were intimidating from afar- a big piece of plastic going up there? Really?!

But no, you are perfect. You catch the blood, you are eco friendly, you are easy to clean, you save me money.... Even my cramps seem less bad! I just wish I had discovered you sooner, rather than suffering through the rash on my legs from pads, ruined underwear galore, the ridiculous cost and waste.

You make me feel better about myself, like I am actually making mature changes and am taking steps to improve. For me you symbolise my entire zero waste journey- a simple but terrifying change, a step in the right direction, a discovery of something great. I am so so grateful for the ease of use and the savings to the planet you have given me.

Thank you menstrual cup for transforming my periods into something slightly less unpleasant.

Anonymous, UK