Unpredictable

Dear the injection,

My life has changed dramatically since meeting you; I've gained weight, and my mood swings are far from predictable. I still get my cramps but I dont get my periods which I thinks a bonus. But the best part is it brought me and my boyfriend closer. Thank you x

Anonymous, Wales

Flaws in the System

Dear endometriosis,

You first showed up in the form of me having intense pain during penetrative sex. Then I started to become ill every time I had my period while I was on the pill. Then with the hormonal coil, I was finally getting a bit of a break from you for a few years but you sure as hell worked your way through that to the point where I was in debilitating pain. At my lowest, I had full blown contraction level cramps for two weeks straight. However, I don't blame you.

I blame the doctors who did not take me seriously for so long. Who eventually sent me to a psychologist to fix my pain, which was impossible and left me feeling terribly guilty about not improving. I blame the >20 medical professionals I saw over the years who never thought about endometriosis as a possible explanation for my symptoms, I blame the medical system that severely fails to fund research on bodies with uteruses and basically any body that does not belong to a white able-bodied man. I blame the "endo specialists" I saw when I finally figured out on my own that I have endo and then dismissed me based on incorrect arguments (which I learned thanks to the Hormone Diaries community, massive shout out to all of you).

Thankfully with help of this community I finally got the help I needed. Now, a few months after surgery I am stomach pain free, my bowels begin to function more normally again and with physio therapy and psychological therapy I can finally work through my medical traumas, and start getting my body and life back. I hope I never feel you again, don't take it personally but you're quite literally a pain in the ass.

xoxo, your host

Anonymous, The Netherlands

You Picked a Taurus

Dear Heavy Menses:

Couldn't you have warned me first? Coming in a fury with headaches, nausea, cramps, bloating, hot and cold flashes, night sweats, even if I was out and about.

Why would you just do me like that making me miserable for days with blood clots, heavy bleeding, and dehydration requiring IV fluids?

Did you think that was funny having to get iron infusions and B12 injections in the ER for microcytic hypochromic anaemia?

You thought you won didn't you? You thought you beat me, RIGHT?

WRONG!

I met so many wonderful warriors in the Henry Cancer Center who also were fighting just like me.

Because truly being winded just walking up steps is no fun and we ladies want to play.

Sure, you might've thought when the doctor told me I was computer diagnosed with HUS (Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome) at 46 years of age - You figured I got her now- because you started it all....

But you can't win against someone who never gives up!

The choice is not yours to make it's mine and I just turned 47 having almost left this menopause world behind me. Your clock is ticking my friend.

Your time is almost up.

Meanwhile, I have been working diligently to get my weight in check, get my blood tests under control along with my blood pressure and pre diabetes-thank you BMP and CBC- but more importantly I won't go out with sinus tachycardia nor any EKG test -nor even a d-dimer or troponin high will do it.

You see you picked a Taurus!

We don't give up.

You don't realize the power of staying in faith after already having almost died in childbirth with a placenta abruptio and a son born with vater syndrome.

You have no idea I was already under significant stress -having divorced a malignant narcissist in 2013, and was left bankrupt, homeless, extreme poverty, and LT unemployed unable to get re-employed after raising 3 kids for past 20 years solo with a dual masters and 20 yrs of community service being awarded the highest our nation offers -Points of Light awardee- Thank you President George H.W. Bush (41st President of the USA)

You picked the wrong woman to mess with.

I won't put up with bullies like you.

I will win!

See you at the finish line my friend where I will be the one still standing strong as that beautiful 400 year old oak in my backyard which I'm now allergic too along with June grass.

Life is not measured in how many things you accomplished but in how many times you got knocked down and jumped right back up.

I'm here to tell you it's over between us. Take your friends with you and go.

With all my love,
Donna

Donna, USA

Less Cramps, More Vomit

Dear my first pill,

Cramps as a teenager were awful!! In my last 2 years of school my attendance record showed me going home on a Tuesday afternoon every 4 weeks, like clockwork. 2 YEARS! But no, going off to university was when Mum suggests the pill might be a good idea ("you know..just in case?!?") So I met my first pill and WOW! No cramps, minimal boob pain, such a light flow, 7 days down to 4 and I could control it! Life was amazing! Every 4 weeks I'd bleed (as was recommended at the time) and then start a new pack on Saturday. On Sunday I had work but I'd often wake up feeling a bit weird? I'd go to work anyways and mid morning I'd be sick usually 3 or 4 times and then feel great again however, it was difficult to rush off the shop floor 4 times and be as white as a sheet for most of the day. A WHOLE YEAR I did this before thinking maybe it's my pill and it was! Why did I take so long to realise and make decisions about my body that were so obvious and causing me pain and discomfort???

Thanks Pill, you changed my life but I'm glad to have switched to your less spewy cousin pill now!

Anonymous, UK

Cramps So Bad I’m Sick

Dear period and cramps,

I still don't know if you are regular, or heavily painful cramps, or endometriosis or something else. I've had my period for 13 years now, cramps getting worse every year. You make me sick, literally. I want to be happy about my period. I want to be happy that I am a woman who is not unwillingly pregnant and who is healthy enough to get her periods. I want to celebrate that I am healthy, again, that you are back, again. But I can't celebrate that, lying in my bed for two or three days, suffering from cramps that get bad enough to make me sick sometimes. That push the content of my stomach out through my mouth by cramping so hard that my whole tummy clenches. My gynaecologists, five by now, feel up my vagina and into my uterus, put ultrasound probes into me and still don't know what to do about me. They tell me to take the pill without any breaks so I don't get my period and don't get pain. It works. But I feel weird about it. I want to have a regular period. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel natural. I don't want hormones pumped inside of me to suppress a natural process, to alter my hormonal balance, to worsen my chronic depression. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel natural. I want to feel seen. I want to feel believed and taken seriously.
I want you back, period. But I can well be spared you, cramps.

Love,
Amelie
Amelie, Germany

*Side Eyes*

Dear (possible) endometriosis,

I've been trying to get you diagnosed for years now, and I know it's not entirely your fault that hasn't happened yet (side eyes to the centuries of women being excluded from medical research). It just would be really nice to find a way to deal with whatever is going on with my uterus, and if it's you for sure.

So, endometriosis, if it's you causing me this trouble, please just calm it down. It's not been a fun ride these few years, heavy periods, agonisingly painful cramps, fatigue, back pain and abdomen pain both on and off my period, and all the rest of it are a bit rubbish.

Maybe, once I know, I could forgive you. For now, I'll fight you as much as I can.

Anonymous, UK

Drama Queen

Dear cramps,

please chill out! We're not trying to eject a baby, there is no need to be so dramatic. In fact, could you just not?

Sofia, USA